Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
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Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker