My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
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I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.