Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
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My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.