I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
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Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Free him
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.