If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
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ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
THIS HEADLINE
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-