ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
You Might Also Like
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Is….Is this an option?
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
work smarter, not harder
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn: