LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
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What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Thanks to a fan for this one!
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.