BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
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Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Can Happiness buy money?
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned