I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good