as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
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*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”