“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
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95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
This kid will have a bright future.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*