All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
You Might Also Like
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
The game has officially changed 😎