When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Thursday
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.