[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
subtitles are so good nowadays
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
a fate I wish upon no one
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen