Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
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Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
is frankincense just very honest incense?
catch me on valentine’s day like
79.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
This is always good for a laugh.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend