one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
You Might Also Like
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Had an epiphany today.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.