me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
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“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
how high up are we talkin’?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Well well well…
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.