FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
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I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.