Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
You Might Also Like
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader: