Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
You Might Also Like
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.