whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn