Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
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I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Leonardo DiCaprisun
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.