I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
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Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
this is the most humiliating day of my life