ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
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I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I bet
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.