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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.