First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.