I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
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{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”