*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
You Might Also Like
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?