me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol