me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
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My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Not all heroes wear capes.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I’m not stressed
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?