one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
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I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Eat…
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Hmm, not sure about this change
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*