The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
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Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.