me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
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[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
TODAY
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.