Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
How do you like your Corgi?
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?