him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
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I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.