Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
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5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.