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Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
So that’s what we looked like?
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.