Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
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I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.