WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
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priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Just me?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea