Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
You Might Also Like
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
No. YOU-buprofen.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
beware of dog
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it