I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
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comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over