I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
You Might Also Like
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Breaking news: