I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
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I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.