Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Catercrombie & Fish
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
podcasts
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.