“You’d better run, egg!”
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Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Lassie, get help!
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]