For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
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At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
greetings!
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.