MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Cool shirt 🙂
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Put my back out twerking in the library again
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!