You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
You Might Also Like
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Received some very disappointing news today
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Hank is one in a melon.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?