Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
even bears disappoint their mothers
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.