When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
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[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.